Hey there my lovelies,
Welcome back to my Blog!
Well first and foremost thank you all so much for the feedback and also the love, you have sent my way on the lauch of Part I which means a real deal to me because putting these thoughts down to paper and on then on the Blog, took courage and a lot of it. If I have to be completly honest the ifs and buts but at one point got out of hand but then I got all the courage I needed to be true to who I am becoming and exploring this new life journey (that even though it has been thrown at me) I have to admit that I am not mad at it. I may have not liked it at first but I have been doing a lot of self exploring emotionally at first, but it made me understand and learn a lot more about myself and it has really been a very welcomed experience.
To pick up were I left it off on the first post let’s continue exploring the subject because once I started expanding on the subject, I was loving the learning curve and of course I have been putting everything to the test and wanted to make sure I do not leave anything out.
Before I continue if anyone missed out on my first post, you can click here now to go and check it out before continuing with this post.
As I came to realise from that first post is that self-pleasure is becoming a very important part of my self-care routine, which I try to not miss out. Taking the time to myself to get to know me better is key to the evolution of being in love with myself again! I have to say that masturbation makes me feel good (eye-rolling good if you catch my drift) but not just physically! It all is intertwined! I am sure you know that when your body releases endorphins, you feel a temporary mood boost, as well. Those endorphins ease stress and reduce pain; I mean like HOW are we not talking more about this?!
Admittedly taking that concious step towards loving yourself is in every way imaginable scary (I KNOW!!) leaving you feeling very vulnerable at the very least and extremely daunted at the very most. So in today’s post I will be sharing with you, all that I have been learning.
Learning how to pleasure yourself is 80% self-exploration and 20% knowledge and technique. What turns you on and gives you pleasure, is a hugely personal thing and it will differ from person to person, so lesson number 1 is – there is no right way to do this!
When you begin to explore your body, listen to what feels good, don’t worry about what you think you should be doing, or what others are doing, the only person that matters right now is you. What will come up next will give you some basic tips to set you on a path of self discovery in the pleasureable way without judgement, fear or shame. If you ever feel guilty, disgusted, or wrong for touching yourself or having sexual thoughts, this will lead you to learn that sexual shame, can be unlearned.
Unlearning shame can be a lenghty process and does not happen overnight. It takes work and patience, but the first step is knowing that you don’t need to live with that shame forever, and knowing that it’s something you can step away from. You can start by working with a support group that understands your background and will help you reclaim your sexuality. However if you are not there yet try the following steps as a starter:
- Limit the people and sources of shame in your life. That may mean spending less time with certain people and restricting or blocking people on social media.
- Set boundaries with people. Even if you don’t tell someone to their face, just letting yourself know that you are allowed to walk away, block and ignore someone if they are making you feel bad, is a huge step.
- Rebuild your support network with sex positive people who have the same beliefs and ideas as you
- Educate yourself with books and rescources.
- Write your own set of beliefs and morals and remind yourself of that every time you feel shamed by someone else’s belief.
- Be patient witgh yourself and take it bit by bit. Don’t overwhelm yourself or push your boundaries too much, just do what feels comfortable and natural and take your time.
Mental Stimulation is Key
One of the biggest reasons people don’t like the feeling of touching themselves is because they’re only focusing on the physical element of it. Masturbation and all sexual arousals are hugely linked to our mental stimulation, and for many people, the mental arousal is more important than the physical.
SO How do you know you’re turned on?
It might feel a little strange in the beginning, but being turned on is like being excited or curious. Think about a time when you’ve seen someone or something and found it strangely arousing. Maybe you were kissing your partner and you felt your body start to become tingly. These are all experiences of being turned on, and unlocking your ability to mentally stimulate yourself will make the action so much easier.
How can you turn yourself on?
You may have only experienced being turned on with a partner, but it can be very easy to turn yourself on solo, actually have to say that it is easier. This is your time to explore what sexually excites you, in the privacy and safety of your room, without any awkwardness of being in the presence of another person and having to explain what turns you on. I mean that thought is daunting. But on your own, there is no one to judge you and there is no wrong or right!
One way you can start to discover your sexual stimulation is through erotica. You can find endless choices, stories and situations on erotic story blogs, and if you like porn, you can go there. Me personally I prefer stories, I like transporting myself into the story. Exploring these options is not only great for your solo time but it can be great for helping your sex life with your partner. Often people with vaginas cannot orgasm without mental stimulation, so this is a great chance to discover and develop your sexual knowledge and understanding.
Build your sexual imagination
If you have a well stocked imagination, filled with positive and sexy memories of previous sexual experiences or erotic stories/videos you’ve watched, it will be much easier to get turned on as you have lots of resources to help your mind get to a place where you feel sexy. Keeping an image or thought in your mind to use later when they’re masturbating is another way to go. I know it it might sound creepy but it’s actually quite useful to do. Sexual arousal relies on your mind recalling sexual experiences or something that turns you on, so the more you have in your mind, the easier it will be. This doesn’t mean you need to start watching porn like a mad person, but purposefully taking time to find things that you find sexually exciting, so that when you’re alone or with a partner, your mind will have a quicker time to get in the mood.
TAKE TIME TO Get to Know Your Body and Your Vulva
We often underestimate how well we know our own body. Would you be able to recognise your vulva out of 10 vulvas? Do you know how your vulva/vagina feels, or really looks like? Have you ever really looked at your vulva or more specifically have you ever took a mirror and really looked at it? Well now is the time to do so and learn because you can and of course you are in control! Looking at your vulva might not only help you normalise it to you, it will help you learn actually where to touch and how to help guide others to touch you better too! It is embarrassing sure but who’s judging you – no one except yourself! So stop that now and start loving yourself – truly and deeply!
The vulva is the epicentre of sexual arousal. There are other areas on the body that feel great when stimulated too, such as the nipples, but we are going to start with the vulva. In a private space where you feel safe, start to explore your vulva. Use your finger to lightly discover your clitoris, your outer and inner labia, the entry to your vagina. This might feel strange or unusual at first, but it will become more normal in time.
Spend some time tracing your finger over your outer and inner labia and around the clitoris, slightly touching the entrance to the vagina. If you feel uncomfortable touching the inside of your vagina, you can focus purely on the clitoris and the general area of the vulva.
Just think of this as exploration time, it’s helping you become more familiar with your body and also teasing it a little. If you are feeling comfortable and aroused, you can continue and make things more exciting by changing the speed of your movement, switching positions or movements and you can switch to 2 fingers for more pressure and depth.
Lubrication is very important to achieve Pleasurable and Pain Free Masturbation
The vulva produces lubrication from the Skene’s glands when you begin to become aroused. If you are not mentally aroused, or if you experience a condition that causes vaginal dryness, you may not produce enough lubrication, which will mean touching yourself will not feel as good.
If you touch yourself without any mental arousal, it will most likely feel strange, boring or even a little dry and painful, so focus on getting your head in the right place first. Set the mood with some music you like, light a candle, read an erotic story or watch a sexy movie. Feel good about your body by wearing something that feels soft on your skin, or take a bath and give your body some love and attention.
This usually always give your body, in particular, your vulva, a signal to start producing lubrication, and to direct blood flow to your vulva, which essentially turns on your clitoris and makes your labia a little larger and ready for sexual activity. Some people have small or underactive skene’s glands which can mean they don’t produce as much natural lubrication, or in my case age start playing it’s part, but luckily for me and you there are so many wonderful lubricants out there, and trust me this is nothing to be ashamed of! I would suggest to use a water based lube as it’s body, sex toy and condom safe. Using lube will make masturbating so much more pleasurable. It’s also so fantastic to have around when you want to masturbate but don’t have much time to spend on it.
Phew … this is yet another long one, but trust me once I start writing on the topic I cannot seem to stop! Of course there is more from where this came, sooooo I will make more updates as I go along and as I continue to explore myself. Trust me it has not been easy getting here and sometimes I go back to that person who is embarassed to even be standing naked in front of the mirror just because my mind starts wondering to the standards that social media has implied on us but then I remember that no one will love me more than me. I am with me for the long run and I am my longest relationship so I have to invest the time in me just as I invest my time towards my kid, my family, my house, my job and my friends!
Until next time,
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